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Saturday, December 02, 2006
i accomplished my worst fear.. loneliness 12:59 AM

today was one of the most depressing days of my life. kinda ironic cos it started off okay. i wen to star wif joel. we played pool lyk i dunoe.. 8 games of it? it was sooooo fun! haha at first, i sucked shit! i was so unlucky! i kept hitting the black ball in. lyk my 1st shot, n i just had to hit the 8-ball. haha sucks man! joel was lyk acting so pro n stuff. haha doofus. so later wen rach msged me, we walked bck to sarawak plaza. btw i olrdi had a major foot-ache. my slippers werent very suitable for walking long distances.

just as expected, wen we reached swak plaza, rach said they were olrdi at tun jugah. i was lyk 'im gona beat them up later. im gona kick their arses.' haah joel was just lyk 'yep sandra. yep yep. ok sandra. Ooooo sandra.' hahah it was kinda funny. hvnt hung out wif him in a long time. lyk just 1 on 1. it was fun. so anyways we found the rest of them in the end! we were all picking out a pressie for fred. it was a backpack. a real nice one tho. hmm then walked to riverside and ran into my sis who asked me if i was done yet. i was lyk '???i just met them'. obviously i wasnt done yet! then she gave me lyk this look lyk 'stop tinking about urself.im not ur driver' and shit. of cos i got frigging irritated. so in the end, i had to follow her home. but she olrdi left the building cos i told her i was gona catch a ride wif ash. but ash was leaving too late and i had tuition tat nite.

so i msged her and asked whr she was. her reply 'goin home'. i was lyk wat the heck? i misunderstood her cos i thought she said she was goin to tun jugah to buy some stuff. so i was olrdi standing in tun jugah wen i got her reply. i was lyk wtf?! i called her and she was all annoyed and piss and i was soo frigging pissed! she told me to wait at McD. while i was waiting, i got so so so so mad. i thought of all the things i was gona do wen i got in the car. all the things i was gona say. but wen i got in, my pissed off expression was enough. i din look at her. she knew i was pissed and i knew she was pissed. so its lyk 2 very ticked off ppl in a bmw.

the more i thought bout stuff, the more i felt lyk crying. yet i tried to hold it bck. wen i got home, i slammed the door and walked off. i remembered bout the bball comp sineado was yakking bout. n i hvnt trained since i quit which was mid of the year due to PMR. so i decided to run alil and do some stretches. was sweating in no time. so after my shower, diana left wif no explanation. watever. i din wan to talk to her either. later she came bck and called me. i was online so i totally ignored her. then she got mad and shouted my name. i pretended to suffer momentary deficiency in my hearing. then i just got up and changed and got in the car.

in the car, i just said wat i was tinking at McD.

me : ure picking me later at 9pm
she : y? i got church remember. its not over at 9pm

(ok b4 we had tis convo bout the schedule. i had tuition tat finished at 9pm and she had youth which ended around 10pm or 10.30pm. i asked her to leave earlier but she refused and got mad. so i said pick me up at 10pm then. i din tink she would agree! i expected to say ookok.fine i will leave earlier then. but she DIDNT!)

me : u made me leave early for my friends. ure leaving early for church. *pissed alil*
she: wat the hell is ur prob? y r u acting lyk a bitch to me? u always yell at me. i cant say one thing about u cos wen i do, u just shout bck at me. whrs ur respect? im older than u by 3yrs if u 4got.

the nxt things i said, i vaguely remember. all i noe is i shouted bck fucking pissed off as well. so we were both yelling at each other. omg i nvr hated her so much before. then she said she was gona call my mum. i was tinking all its gona do is make her sad and worry. so i told her dun. she replied nastily "is tat a threat?"

tis was a girl bout to go to church. wow. wow is all i can say. omg tinking bout it again just pisses me off. so anyawy to make it short, i din go tuition cos i started crying. i got home n cried/yelled my heart out on the living room floor. i haf never felt so alone b4 in my life. she drove off. so i was alone at home. after crying for a bit, i ran to my room and locked the door. turned the radio up. crawled on my bed and wrote out my feelings. my anger. my rage. my annoyance. my complaints. my everything. i wrote it all on a single page of paper. afterwards, i cried myself to sleep. dun pity me alrite. to whoever is reading. i dun wan ur pityness. i just wan happiness. and currently, i dun haf tat in my life. im an open sink. everything everyone says just goes through. it doesnt mean anything.

loneliness.. its a terrible feeling. a feeling of emptiness. a feeling of tinking u haf no one. u haf no one who understands. u tink the whole world is against u. even ur own family bickers wif u. tis has been the most emotional year of my life. its jsut i haf so so so many things i wan to say. so many things on my mind. and i hafno one. no one to unwind to. no one to talk to. no one who will listen. no one who even bothers to ask me how am i? ask me wat i tink? how i feel? no one.

the only thing i find tat i can relate to is music. lyk tis song. my current background song. Delta Goodrem - Lost Without U. tis song goes out to my mum. i miss her so badly. i wish she came home. i miss her more than i miss anyone. i miss my mum. i miss the way she smells. i can stil smell her on her clothes in the closet. i miss the way she laughs too loudly at lil things. i miss the fact tat she always brings me out wif her to eat and stuff. i miss hearing her voice. i just miss her so bloody much. i wish she come bck. obviously she would nvr go online and read my blog cos she nvr touches the comp. i love her so much. i nvr say it but i do. my family arent lyk the shows on tv. we dun say i love u infront of one another. but we show it in our own way. i can see my mum loves me to death wen she takes care of me wen im sick and wishing for death. shes always thr. thrs tis one vague memory of her cleaning out my puke frm the sink. i was very sick and i puked in the sink. she came n cleaned it up. i dunoe why but the picture of her standing over the sink wif a look of disgust on her face just stayed wif me forever even now. tat was i dunoe how many years ago. oh god i love my mum. i miss her so badly. pls come bck mum...

normally im the one who doesnt care. just brushes things off easily. the one who does wat others say. the one tat just takes it. every blow. every order. not anymore. im sick of it. im through. im done. im tired of being nice. im sick of being pushed around. i wont haf it anymore. its over. im done