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Monday, January 04, 2010
reflections 8:54 PM

for a very long time now, i have come to the realization that i am not a very nice person.

i am able to treat some people so cruelly
it's always so much easier when someone gives you a scenario like someone doing wrong or someone bullying someone and you simply go 'oh that's wrong. he shouldn't do that. that's mean.'
its so so so SO easy to judge, to criticise
but when the person in that scenario is you, it's completely different.
everything changes
suddenly, it doesn't seem that wrong to join the crowd and make fun of someone
it doesn't seem wrong or cruel to add to that person's pain
it doesn't even occur to you how that person must feel
it doesn't occur to you that all that person ever needed was a friend, someone to talk to

at that moment, you're only caught up in yourself and the crowd,
what everyone is doing
despite your previous noble statements about right and wrong, you pick up your own stone and throw it at the targetted individual
this reminds of the story 'The Lottery'.

i don't know
i always think and reflect a lot of myself and what i've done during my exam cramming periods
for some reason, my mind always drifts away from my books and to my life and my actions

the result being:
i have wronged many individuals
individuals who have never done anything wrong to me
individuals whom had only wanted my companionship, instead i pushed their hands away
i looked away
i turned away

while cramming for my final exam, i even wrote down the names of people whom i thought i ought to apologise to, specifically for wronging them
i look back now and wonder, how could i do such a thing?
what i would give... to go back and have a do over

i wonder what kinda person i would be today if i did have the chance
i wonder if i like myself

i just want to say, despite the fact that many those i've wronged won't read this,
i just want you to know, i'm sorry
you deserve better

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