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i'm tired of the presenti want to go back to the pasti want to go back to this moment
for a very long time now, i have come to the realization that i am not a very nice person.i am able to treat some people so cruellyit's always so much easier when someone gives you a scenario like someone doing wrong or someone bullying someone and you simply go 'oh that's wrong. he shouldn't do that. that's mean.'its so so so SO easy to judge, to criticisebut when the person in that scenario is you, it's completely different.everything changessuddenly, it doesn't seem that wrong to join the crowd and make fun of someoneit doesn't seem wrong or cruel to add to that person's painit doesn't even occur to you how that person must feel it doesn't occur to you that all that person ever needed was a friend, someone to talk toat that moment, you're only caught up in yourself and the crowd,what everyone is doingdespite your previous noble statements about right and wrong, you pick up your own stone and throw it at the targetted individualthis reminds of the story 'The Lottery'. i don't knowi always think and reflect a lot of myself and what i've done during my exam cramming periodsfor some reason, my mind always drifts away from my books and to my life and my actionsthe result being:i have wronged many individualsindividuals who have never done anything wrong to meindividuals whom had only wanted my companionship, instead i pushed their hands awayi looked awayi turned awaywhile cramming for my final exam, i even wrote down the names of people whom i thought i ought to apologise to, specifically for wronging themi look back now and wonder, how could i do such a thing?what i would give... to go back and have a do overi wonder what kinda person i would be today if i did have the chancei wonder if i like myselfhmmi just want to say, despite the fact that many those i've wronged won't read this, i just want you to know, i'm sorryyou deserve better
i was looking at my calendar on my desktop and it hit meanother month or so of college, and it's all over.scary
Labels: emo-ness
bad case of missing my bffs right nowvictoria, natalie, beni miss you guyssighs
come back :-(
Labels: emo-nesswhy do i bother?
i can never seem to win
this whole week has been so shitty
probably the worst week that i can ever remember having
test after test after test
screwed up my fking math investigative study shit
screwed up my math test
probably screwed up my chem test too
and bio
bio was the ONLY paper was so sure i did well in cos i spent the whole weekend studying for it
then just now..
ms ong said i used pencil to darken the objective space on the last page
in taylors, we suppose to use pen
so as a lesson to me, she only take half of all my correct obj answers
if she hadn't done that, i would have gotten 47/56
W. T. F.
then i came to a conclusion,
i will never amount to anything in life
i have this great opportunity here and i'm just blowing it
i just never win
in everything i do
i never win
Labels: emo-nessi miss you blatrever
:(
Labels: emo-nesstoday is the last day of the year.
honestly, i thought i be spending it happier surrounded by friends and entertainment and laughter.
but due to recent events, i just don't feel like a celebratory mood.
not like i can go out anyway either.
if someone told me a few days ago that this would be how i'm spending my new years,
i wouldn't have believed them.
i hope everyone has a great happy new year.
what a shitty way to end 2008 and to start 2009.
oh and on a totally different topic,
i hate people who can't say what they feel.
i hate the kind of people who say things just for the sake of saying them, you know?
i mean, what for say it if you don't mean it?
there is this person whom is never able to just say what he feels.
he always keeps to himself and never really gives an honest opinion about a particular subject.
he says what he thinks he's suppose to say, or at least, what a good friend is suppose to say.
but his words doesn't come from the heart.
i just hate it!
whenever i'm down or something, he'll say something like
'oh hey how are you? hope you feel better.'
or some crap like that.
notice how cold his message is.
there's no worry, there's no actual sense of concern.
it's just like a robot talking.
argh
and the person is not necessarily a guy to the low IQ-ed.
i read that Taylor Swift's going to be in NY for new years, performing.
along with the Jonas Brothers.
i heard that new years in NY was a life changing experience and really beautiful.
...
i hope i can someday witness it too.
Labels: emo-nessit went down to 171 GB!@#!@#!#!@#!#
someone stop the madness!!
btw, i get it now.
it's prolly my virtual memory or whatever
but how do i get rid of that?!@#!@#
i should have totally paid more attention to Mr.Nelson Tang during computer class
-_-
instead of playing Red Alert with the guys
-_-
i have sinned.
Labels: emo-nesswow time really flies by fast.
can you believe it?
it's dec 24th today!
it's Christmas Eve people!!!!
like wow, Christmas is back.
it's probably due to our tropical climate that the people in Malaysia don't really seem to give a damn about it.
or maybe it's just my family.
haha oh well, i didnt realize that it was Christmas tomorrow.
i can still remember CNY vividly in my head.
driving 5 hours to Sarikei with my sisters and parents in our cramped car,
playing fireworks with my cousins whom i rarely get to meet,
being exhausted from the journey,
going out with friends to other friends' houses,
playing blackjack - losing my ang pao money :( .
and fast forward a bit, then boom!
Exams are over.
Mock is over.
SPM is over.
all those late night cramping and pulling out my hair is over.
all those breakdowns are over.
all those worrying is over.
all those sleepless night are over.
then TA DA!
Christmas Eve!
man, time flies by too fast sometimes.
if you're not careful, you just might miss out on everything worth remembering.
hmm life is so strange.
we live out our lives, we do what we're suppose to do, fulfill our responsibilities,
then what next?
after SPM ended, most of us were just kinda in a daze.
we didn't know what to do or what not to do.
even doing things which were so common and simple to us like watching tv felt foreign.
going online, not to search up information about EST or test papers, felt out of place.
at the beginning of course.
hmm
now Christmas is coming.
you know what that means don't you?
the year 2008 is coming to a close.
few more days and it's all over.
another chapter closed in our book of life.
and on January 3rd, a new one opens up.
well for me anyway.
:)
merry christmas you guys.
Labels: emo-nesspeople say change is good right?
screw change.
change sucks.
change can just go and eat crap.
in fact, change is crap.
i cant wait to go to kl now.
screw all this.
i am tired of feeling bad about everything.
i am tired of being neglected.
i am tired of being replaced.
i am tired of being lonely.
i want to meet new people and hopefully, people whom i will grow close to
kl's a big place.
there has to be some decent people around whom i can get along with.
sighs
i am just so tired.
i wished you never left. :(
